Turkey Remains and How to Inter Them with Numerous Scarce Recipes
by F. Scott Fitzgerald
At this post holiday season the refrigerators of the nation are overstuffed with large masses of turkey, the sight of which is calculated to give an adult an attack of dizziness. It seems, therefore, an appropriate time to give the owners the benefit of my experience as an old gourmet, in using this surplus material. Some of the recipes have been in my family for generations. (This usually occurs when rigor mortis sets in.) They were collected over years, from old cook books, yellowed diaries of the Pilgrim Fathers, mail order catalogues, golfbags and trash cans. Not one but has been tried and proven—there are headstones all over America to testify to the fact.
Very well then: Here goes:
1. Turkey Cocktail To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of angostura bitters. Shake.
2. Turkey at la Francais. Take a large ripe turkey, prepare as for basting and stuff with old watches and chains and monkey meat. Proceed as with cottage-pudding.
3. Turkey and Water Take one turkey and one pan of water. Heat the latter to the boiling point and then put in the refrigerator. When it has jelled drown the turkey in it. Eat. In preparing this recipe it is best to have a few ham sandwiches around in case things go wrong.
4. Turkey Mongole Take three butts of salami and a large turkey skeleton from which the feathers and natural stuffing have been removed. Lay them out on the table and call up some Mongole in the neighborhood to tell you how to proceed from there.
5. Turkey Mousee Seed a large prone turkey, being careful to remove the bones, flesh, fins, gravy, etc. Blow up with a bicycle pump. Mount in becoming style and hang in the front hall.
6. Stolen Turkey Walk quickly from the market and if accosted remark with a laugh that it had just flown into your arms and you hadn’t noticed it. Then drop the turkey with the white of one egg-well, anyhow, beat it.
7. Turkey a la Creme. Prepare the creme a day in advance, or even a year in advance. Deluge the turkey with it and cook for six days over a blast furnace. Wrap in fly paper and serve.
8. Turkey Hash This is the delight of all connoisseurs of the holiday beast, but few understand how really to prepare it. Like a lobster it must be plunged alive into boiling water, until it becomes bright red or purple or something, and then before the color fades, placed quickly in a washing machine and allowed to stew in its own gore as it is whirled around.
Only then is it ready for hash. To hash, take a large sharp tool like a nail-file or if none is handy, a bayonet will serve the purpose—and then get at it! Hash it well! Bind the remains with dental floss and serve.
And now we come to the true aristocrat of turkey dishes:
9. Feathered Turkey. To prepare this a turkey is necessary and a one pounder cannon to compell anyone to eat it. Broil the feathers and stuff with sage brush, old clothes, almost anything you can dig up. Then sit down and simmer. The feathers are to be eaten like artichokes (and this is not to be confused with the old Roman custom of tickling the throat).
10. Turkey at la Maryland Take a plump turkey to a barber’s and have him shaved, or if a female bird, given a facial and a water wave. Then before killing him stuff with with old newspapers and put him to roost.
He can then be served hot or raw, usually with a thick gravy of mineral oil and rubbing alcohol. (Note: This recipe was given me by an old black mammy.)
11. Turkey Remnant This is one of the most useful recipes for, though not, “chic”, it tells what to do with the turkey after the holiday, and extract the most value from it.
Take the remants, or if they have been consumed, take the various plates on which the turkey or its parts have rested and stew them for two hours in milk of magnesia. Stuff with moth-balls.
12. Turkey with Whiskey Sauce. This recipe is for a party of four. Obtain a gallon of whiskey, and allow it to age for several hours. Then serve, allowing one quart for each guest.
The next day the turkey should be added, little by little, constantly stirring and basting.
13. For Weddings or Funerals.
Obtain a gross of small white boxes such as are used for bride’s cake. Cut the turkey into small squares, roast, stuff, kill, boil, bake and allow to skewer. Now we are ready to begin. Fill each box with a quantity of soup stock and pile in a handy place. As the liquid elapses, the prepared turkey is added until the guests arrive. The boxes delicately tied with white ribbons are then placed in the handbags of the ladies, or in the men’s side pockets.
There I guess that’s enough turkey to talk. I hope I’ll never see or hear of another until—well, until next year.
Dude, so good it makes me want to overuse so and just write “so so so so so so GOOD” over and over and over. And maybe throw in a “Texas forever” because they’re from Texas like every other good band out there.
“I like bars just after they open for the evening. When the air inside is still cool and clean and everything is shiny and the barkeep is giving himself that last look in the mirror to see if his tie is straight and his hair is smooth. I like the neat bottles on the bar back and the lovely shining glasses and the anticipation. I like to watch the man mix the first one of the evening and put it down on a crisp mat and put the little folded napkin beside it. I like to taste it slowly. The first quiet drink of the evening in a quiet bar — that’s wonderful.”—Raymond Chandler, The Long Goodbye
Festive Holiday Recipes (and Fun) for the Disaffected 20-Something Lady!
by Juli Weiner
Lo, the holidays! Not counting gifts, is there any more enjoyable part of December than festive food and libations? Verily there is not! Here are some non-denominational recipes designed to minimize stress and maximize, let’s say, health. Created with brevity, simplicity, and alcohol in mind, they’re perfect for young people who suddenly find themselves in a house full of food but bereft of adults willing to cook it for them. Season’s eatings! Did I just make that up? And Google says no.
Vin blanc et frommage
Ingredients: One (1) 2.5 oz. bag of David Sunflower Seeds Nacho Cheese One (1) bottle of Sancerre
Pour the entirety of the bag of sunflower seeds on a napkin. Make sure that the seeds are distributed on only one side of the napkin, as the other side of the napkin should be reserved for the discarded shells. Have another napkin nearby because the seeds will leave orange-colored residue on your fingers. Reply with an inexplicable, indefensible air of superiority when asked by a sibling if “that orange stuff” is “from, like, a million Doritos.”
To cleanse your palate, empty one quarter of a bottle of Sancerre into a coffee mug purchased on a vacation or acquired at a graduation party. Look at you, drinking from a coffee mug. How productive you must be, to drink coffee! Keep a third napkin handy for when orange stuff gets on the handle of the mug.
Le thon et du pain
Ingredients: One (1) can of StarKist tuna One thing (thing) of mayonnaise Fifteen (15) Wheat-Thins
Use a can opener to—what do you mean, you don’t know where the can opener is? Try the drawer with the chopsticks and things you use to put butter on corn. No? Uh … uh … fuck. I have no idea why whoever used it last didn’t fucking put it back. Put the can of tuna back in the pantry—you’ll be fine with the Wheat-Thins. Put 15 Wheat-Thins on a napkin and eat them.
Ingredients: One (1) artichoke One (1) lemon
Take the artichoke out of the refrigerator and cover it in Saran wrap. It’s strange how much food there is in the refrigerator, actually. At what point did your parents even buy all this food? It’s bizarre to think about going into a grocery store and buying hundreds of dollars worth of food. “Oh, yes, these thousand items are mine, thanks. All 60 yogurts. I’ll just be somehow taking these to my car and house in an utterly mysterious way.”
Put the artichoke in the microwave for five minutes. After five minutes, remove the artichoke. No, stop! Put oven mitts on and then remove the artichoke. You’ll be able to tell by the steam that the artichoke is hot. (It’s an old chef’s trick.) Put the artichoke in a bowl and, keeping the mitts on, peel off the Saran wrap.
Cut the lemon in half with any knife except a butter knife. It’s safe to remove the mitts for this. Squeeze the lemon onto the artichoke so lemon juice drips liberally atop its … skull. Put the two lemon halves back in the fruit drawer. Later you’ll explain that you didn’t think it would leak everywhere because you’d already squeezed out all the juice. This made perfect sense at the time and, frankly, even though you are sorry for what happened with the fruit drawer, it makes perfect sense now.
Ingredients: Two (2) personal-size packs of Jell-O (any flavor) One (1) bottle of Sancerre
Remove two personal-size packs of Jell-O (any flavor) from the refrigerator and place them in the freezer. While you’re in the freezer, remove the bottle of Sancerre you had put there earlier. Sit in the kitchen and drink the Sancerre, but keep things interesting by doing so out of some sort of novelty drinking glass—a coffee mug, perhaps. Do this for two hours.
After two hours, remove the Jell-O from the freezer. Unpeel the lid and lick the top to make sure it’s really frozen. Even if it’s not frozen, don’t put it back in the freezer unless you can really commit to guarding the area for the next little while: there is no more unwelcome surprise than pre-licked quasi-frozen gelatin.
Blackberry, Blackberry, Blackberry
Ingredients: One (1) bottle of champagne One (1) can of diet Plum A Granate Snapple* Six (6) blackberries
It’s cocktail time E.S.T.! (It is also cocktail time P.S.T.) Open up that bottle of champagne and pour it into … let’s shake it up this time … a tea mug. Add a dash of diet Plum A Granate Snapple (or your crème de cassis/vodka/sugar-free Red Bull substitution). Plop three blackberries in the drink. When asked about the deal with the blackberries, respond haughtily that it’s a reference to your favorite Robert Hass poem. When asked politely who Robert Hass is, say “a poet and an intellectual,” and reveal no other information.
N.B.: These ingredients are enough for two Blackberry, Blackberry, Blackberrys, or one-half serving size.
* Can be substituted with crème de cassis, vodka, or sugar-free Red Bull.
Someone once told me that every New Year’s Eve should end with ”Fake Empire” by The National. I couldn’t agree more.
Turn the light out, say goodnight, no thinking for a little while. Lets not try to figure out everything at once. It’s hard to keep track of you falling through the sky, we’re half-awake in a fake empire.
You’ve got a nerve to be asking a favor, you’ve got a nerve to be calling my number. I know we’ve been through this before. Can’t you hear me? I’m calling out your name! Can’t you see me? I’m pounding on your door!
“You have to question a cinematic culture which preaches artistic expression, and yet would support a decision that is clearly a product of a patriarchy-dominant society, which tries to control how women are depicted on screen. The MPAA is okay supporting scenes that portray women in scenarios of sexual torture and violence for entertainment purposes, but they are trying to force us to look away from a scene that shows a woman in a sexual scenario, which is both complicit and complex. It’s misogynistic in nature to try and control a woman’s sexual presentation of self. I consider this an issue that is bigger than this film. … There is something very distorted about this reality that they’ve created, which is that it is OK to torture women on screen. Any kind of violence towards women in a sexual scenario is fine. But give a woman pleasure? No way. Not a chance. That’s pornography.”—Ryan Gosling, in a letter protesting the NC-17 rating of ‘Blue Valentine’. The rating was based on one consensual sex scene, in which he goes down on Michelle Williams. (via tom-wilkinson)
Has a man recently told you, “You look tired” at work? That’s a big deal. You’re probably putting out distress signals that say “I’m not prepared to have it all!” Here’s a mini-guide to help get your face looking bright and perfect so you’ll never mess up anything ever again.
1.Apologize — Apologize for everything, especially your face. Now go home and fix your face, and apologize to everyone you make eye contact with on the way home. Apologize when you return. Apologizing means it’s your fault, and that’s how you remain in control. Stay in control!
2.Wear a Belt — Studies have shown* wearing a belt not only makes you appear slimmer and therefore more attractive, it can also help you lose 5 – 30 lbs. depending how tightly you cinch it around your stomach. Cinch it!
3. Ask the Man If Anyone Ever Asks Him If He Looks Tired — Just kidding! Men never look tired, they only look more powerful.
4. Take a Mini Spa — Just because you don’t give yourself a lunch break doesn’t mean you don’t have five minutes for a mini spa. Lock yourself in the office bathroom and set your cell phone timer. Put sliced cucumbers over your eyes, then massage your temple and sinus areas while reciting positive affirmations and taking vigorous breaths. Rinse your face, then douse it with hot sauce. Follow with a quick application of brown eyeliner.
5.Wear Bright Red Lipstick (or orange-red, depending on your skin tone) — Starting at your left ear and following the projected contour of your natural lip line, outline your lips, ending at your right ear. Repeat for lower lips. Fill in with the stick you’re using, or a whole different shade altogether. Go bold! If you’re in the mood to splurge, cosmetic tattoo technology now allows for woman’s eyebrows to always look groomed and alert.
5*. If no cosmetics are readily available, tape something like a prettier picture of you from the Internet onto your existing face. In a pinch, taping post-its, bookmarks, or newspaper clippings will also help obscure your visage.
6.Scream, “You’re right, I AM tired — OF YOUR FACE!” Apologize immediately, then wait to get fired.