“A hipster to me is someone who kind of dresses up like an artist, but they don’t actually make anything. So all of y’all people who call me a hipster can go fuck yourselves because I make shit all the goddamn time. People are like, ‘You wear skinny jeans.’ These are 501s, man! Fucking straight.”—Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s definition of a hipster
The Analysis J: Oh God oh God oh God oh God. K: It’s probably fine. J: I POUNDED ON HIS DOOR! AT 2 AM!! K: It’s college. If that didn’t happen on the weekends, people would be like, “Something is amiss.” J: But I just…went over there…even though he never responded! K: You were just trying to save time. Is that why you sprinted? You ran away from the bar amazingly quickly. I’ve never seen anyone run like that. J: I even packed an overnight bag! With eight pairs of socks, for unknown reasons!!!!! K: Why did you think you needed any pairs of socks?? J: I don’t know!! And I just kept whispering to the RA who snatched me, “It’s ok. It’s ok. Shhhhh. It’s ok. It’s ok. Shhhh. Be quieter. We are on the inside of a building.” K: I don’t get why that didn’t work. Authorities love being shushed. J: Well the next time he texts me trying to initiate some late-night action, I am NOT going to respond. … For at least, like, ten minutes.
The Texts R: Want to know what I’m wearing? Him: HYEYYYYaslkdfhj ( xoooo :)x The Analysis R: Oh great, he’s DRUNK and OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS and probably BANGING SOME OTHER GIRL literally RIGHT ON TOP OF THE BAR. K: That can’t possibly be allowed. R: *wailing* K: What if he isn’t drunk and that message was intentional?? R: *cry-drooling* Explain to me what world that makes sense in!! K: OK look, at first he’s like “HEY” which is just barely messed up because he was using his left hand because his right hand was covering his mouth, like, “Good heavens!!” Then the “aslkdfhj” is like “Ahhh I’m so hot and bothered that I can’t even put it into real words.” THEN, the first parenthesis is…a crescent moon! Like you guys are standing under the night sky, and he’s like, kissing you, and gives you…four…hugs…and then smiles at you, and then KISSES YOU AGAIN! Actually he is being perfect!! R: Oh. My. GOD!!! He is so romantic I could shoot somebody.
The Texts K: Hey I’m at the bar, are you coming out tonight? Him: Nah, hanging out with the gf tonight.
The Analysis R: What?? I’m so sorry. Where did that come from? K: I don’t know. I shouldn’t be surprised. There were a lot of signs that it wasn’t going to happen. R: Like what? K: I don’t know, he wore a lot of weird pants. R: That’s true. But still, who is this girlfriend?? K: I don’t KNOW, she probably is some little street urchin who lived in an underground tunnel for fifteen years, singing with her dumb dog, and then emerged through a manhole one day to be swept into the arms of a billionaire who gave her a makeover, and then she moved to a new school and got really popular and started being mean but then made up for it by being really great at math, and then the cheerleaders were like “How are we going to win, this other girl broke her leg?” and then she was like “Oh I can do all these FLIPS because I am just soooooo PERFECT.” And then they won nationals, and then the two of them met and he was like, “well aren’t you just so F-ING TALENTED.” R: Was that Annie in there, a little bit? And Mean Girls? And Bring It On? K: Ugh, it doesn’t matter, he has a STUPID face and I DON’T CARE. R: Well, it sounds like you’re taking this really well. K: I JUST NEED TO GET SOME GODDAMN FUCKING TACOS OR SOMETHING.
The Texts B: Am I spending the night? ;) Him: I have class tomorrow. But you can snuggle if you want.
The Analysis K: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. B: It is NOT FUNNY! K: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, hahahahahahahahahahahaha. B: Since when does having something tomorrow prevent him from having sex tonight? K: Maybe the physical exertion would drain him, and he has an exam tomorrow? This is really just about him being a good student. B: Bullshit! And what does he mean you can snuggle? How do I snuggle myself?? K: I don’t know! Why are you asking ME that????? I don’t know about that!!!!!!! B: I swear to God, I would not have given him a blowjob if I knew things would turn out this way. K: This is like that book. “If you give a moose a blowjob.” B: What. WHAT?! K: Never mind. The point is, it can lead to trouble.
I highly recommend reading the entire series. It’s so fucking spot on it hurts.
Also, I wish “If you give a moose a blowjob” was a real book. It would be required reading.
“I was always somebody. I was famous at the Chevron. I’ve had some trials that would have made the average motherfucker jump out a window a long time ago, but if you wake up one morning and say, ‘I can’t do it no more,’ then it’s all over. That’s why I wake up every morning and say, let’s do this shit. Let’s get it.”—Young Jeezy is my life coach. (via howtotalktogirlsatparties)
John Legend // Tonight (Best You Ever Had) [Feat. Ludacris]
John Legend premiered the lead single from his upcoming fourth album today, his first solo project LP 2008’s ‘Evolver’. It’s been a while since we’ve had new music from Mr Legend, but can he deliver yet another great lead single?
To be frank, yes, he can. ‘Tonight (Best Your Ever Head)’ is a slinky, sensual R&B track, which is bound to have you jamming by the time the second verse hits. With a minimal drum pattern, sparkling synths and a hint of 80s funk, this is one irresistibile gem of a track.
Ludacris provides a verse, which fits in just right with the tone of the song and John’s smooth, composed vocals. If this is an indication of the quality of music that is going to be on John’s reportedly ‘darker’ new LP, then I’m definitely looking forward to it.
Jason Schwartz—general manager and co-director of the wine-and-spirits program at Marlow & Sons in Brooklyn—on which reds should be served as cold as whites
The first sip can be bracing, but it’s as refreshing and alive as any glass of white. And as the wine comes up by degree, the flavors open up and the juiciness comes into its own. It’s all about the arc—how the wine develops and evolves. The reds that work best chilled are light, playful, low in tannins, and high in acidity. The French have a phrase for it, vin de soif, which means ‘thirst-quenching wine.’ Chill the stuff that should be drunk at lunch, not swirled around with your nose stuck in the glass.”
Three to Try • Young un-oaked Pinot Noir: Look for something you can see right through, which should indicate lighter body. • Any Gamay ever made: A wine that sings when chilled. The perfect complement to fatty pork. • Cabernet Franc from the Loire Valley: Dark and brooding, with herbaceous flavors that translate into cooling green tones.
YES! I love certain red wines right out of the fridge (and no, they don’t come out of a box). I’m feeling so vindicated right now.